Waiter Waiting

Chefs are worried all the time. They worry about the quality of the ingredients. They worry about the cost of the ingredients. They worry about the quality and cost of the staff. They worry about consistency — and the price of gas.

But when it’s show time, the executive chef is ready. The chef de cuisine is ready. So are the sous chef and the chef de partie, the line cooks, the poissonier, the saucier, the entremetier, the grill cook, the garde manger chef and even the lowly stagiaire (trainee). They are all ready to get to work. They are ready to suffer heat prostration and burn their hands and experience emotional melt down and fend off an unceasing barrage of abuse while in painstaking pursuit of perfection. They work as a team, minute by minute. Time is of the essence in the kitchen.

The front of the house staff worry too. They agonize that every little teeny tiny thing has been fine-tuned in anticipation of the arrival of the first guests. The crisp tablecloths are carefully placed with the crease in the linen facing up (or is it down?). The crystal is polished until it sparkles. The silver gleams. The flowers are in full bloom. The lights are dimmed just so.

The receptionist is poised: her pen hovers over the reservation book. The bartender stands ready to pour. The wait staff is ready to perform a sublime symphony of synchronous service. For the evening meal, everyone is at his or her appointed place. Everything and everyone is ready.

What if there are 5, 10, 20 or more “no-shows”?

For a small restaurant this can spell the difference between profit and loss, success and failure. Even the finest of the fine establishments suffer irretrievable losses.

Who else loses? The sommelier, who advises. Those who depend on the receiving of tips. Those who were ready to remain vigilant and watchful, fetching and carrying, and delivering directions to the men’s room.

The  losses extend to the busboys who had hoped to bus and the runners who aren’t required to run. The Maitre d’ and Captain who maintain the tempo, beat, rhythm, meter, measure and pacing of the place and the General Manager whose task is to ensure the happiness of all who reside beneath his roof.

Who wins when those without a conscience don’t call to cancel a reservation?

NOBODY.

Many a guest, who wouldn’t consider blowing off an appointment with the dentist, the doctor, the hairdresser or the auto repair shop, don’t give a hoot about failing to show up at a restaurant. These miscreants deserve to be reprimanded. A new kind of alert (or phone app?) should be created.

We could take another leaf out of the famous Hollywood madam‘s little black book and post the names of the irresponsible, immoral wretches online. They could be shown, full face on Facebook, LinkedIn or on YouTube. There could an escalating scale of punishment for the no-show offenders.

One failure to show up and the next time she goes to a restaurant she will not be permitted to order a dessert (or sauce on the side).

Two no-shows will result in the doubling of the check at the next meal.

The third offense will require the would-be customer to surrender his or her right to ever again cross the threshold of any of the 535,052 restaurants in the United States.

His name will be registered on a special DO NOT SERVE website for the rest of his natural life plus 44 years.

John Sadovy / Getty Images

A resume is a summary of your past history. A cover letter declares your hope for the future. Your cover letter is read before the recipient even looks at your resume.

The objective of a cover letter is to get an interview, not a job. Receiving an offer comes later in the job hunting process. A persuasive cover letter is more likely to result in an interview than a resume that looks like hundreds of others.

Your cover letter is your main shot at getting your foot in the door. Take your time with it. Ask someone you respect to read it. It will be ditched immediately by the reader recipient if your tone of voice is wrong, meaning you seem to be bragging; desperate; groveling; inappropriately affectionate (I’m longing to hear from you etc.) or written on “girlie” paper decorated with flowers or puppies.

Read your first draft aloud. If you can’t find anything wrong with it or anything you want to change, you aren’t trying hard enough.

“To Whom It May Concern”
This is the wording to use if you are appealing a traffic ticket. If you are applying for a job from an identified company, make a telephone call to find the name and correct spelling of the Director of Human Resources. Make sure you spell the name correctly. If you are responding to a post box number, address your letter to the Executive Chef. Or ask yourself what would Perry Mason and his private investigator, Paul Drake do to track down the person of interest?

Keep your letter short: no more than three paragraphs nicely placed in the center of the page. Tailor each letter for each job you are seeking. One size or one format doesn’t fit all.

Don’t say you think it would be interesting for you to work for the organization to which you are applying. This is like parking in front of prosperous looking home and asking if the owner will pay you to move in, entertain and educate you and provide you with paid vacations and medical benefits. Instead offer what you will do to advance the profitability of the employer.

State precisely what you want: I want to be the assistant pastry chef.  Proclaim your virtues. For instance, “I always show up on time. I follow directions. I am a team player. I can cook!”

A cover letter should not be a short version of your resume. Search for any connection you have to the company and suggest ways you believe you will be able to contribute your unique talents to it.  Try to be as charming as if you are meeting your future in-laws for the first time.

Sample Cover Letter
A cover letter should be presented on letterhead paper and include your e-mail address and cell phone number and go along the lines of:

Date:    February 14, 2020

Dear Chef Wiffenpoof:

Charlie Huff’n’Puff, a fellow student from The Arts Institute professional culinary school told me you were looking for a skilled dishwasher for your country club in North Dakota.

I have recently married my football coach who grew up in Crossed Forks. We attended the Claude Pepper High School. We have bought a house a 5-minute walk from the club and will be moving there next week. I honed my skills as an extern dishwasher when working at the Danish Laundry.

I have attached three references with my resume.

[End the letter by keeping the power in your hands.  Don’t say “thank you for your time, I am looking forward to hearing from you.”  Instead say I will call you on Friday 13th at 3 P M. If the contact person is not there, leave a message.  If you do this three times, and there is still no answer, Wise up! The answer is "No Thanx."]

Yours truly,

Eager Beaver, Proud Food Jobs book reader

Don’t scrawl a gigantic or dopey signature at the bottom of the page.

Good hunting!

O.K. may be the most frequently used word in the world. In Obama parlance, it means “Yes You Can.”

O.K. is an even better word than ‘Yes’ because ‘Yes’ can sometimes mean something negative, such as, “Is this the worst meal you ever had in your whole life?” Of course O.K. doesn’t always mean something is great. Sometimes it means that something is just O.K. Sometimes when you put two letters together they spell “No.” Little words, and little things can mean a lot.

The entire computer language is made up of only ones and zeros but we think we can’t live without them.

Come to think of it, life itself consists of just two threads. The DNA double helix is made up of two long strands composed of only four chemicals. These chemicals — adenine, cytosine, guanine, and thymine — are found in every living thing from bacteria and plants and trees and elephants to birds and humans.

The chemicals are designated by the letters A, C, G, and T and are arranged in combinations, ranging from a few to hundreds of thousands. The sequence in which they are linked forms the basis of the DNA code and provides the mechanism for storing genetic information.

In the process of genetic engineering, what is transferred from one living organism to another are not what it might seem — bits and pieces of animals or fish or flowers that turn up in fruits and vegetables, as some people imagine, but chemical sequences, such as ATGCCGCGGCTCCTCC and on and on. (There are up to 100,000 letters in each cell in an ear of corn – and close to 3.2 billion such letters in the human genome.)

Genetic engineering involves the transfer of just one or two genes from one single cell. There are some who say genetic engineering is O.K.  Others say, “No it’s not.” (O.K.) Either way, we can’t live without DNA.

Those, who object to having their genes “mixed up,” may have to reconsider eating all the millions of mixed up genes in “two all beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickles, onions, on a sesame-seed bun!” Or Le Bernadin’s White Tuna and Seared Japanese Kobe Beef “Korean BBQ Style”; Fresh Kimchi; Lemon Brown Butter Emulsion.

Compari & Orange Confit Ferran Adria

Or Sorbet of Cheese-stuffed Strawberries with Campari & Orange Confit created by Ferran Adria, the “Salvador Dali of the Kitchen” according to Gourmet magazine.

Some people love mixed up ingredients. Some people prefer to stick to just two foods, like bacon and eggs. Some people are weird.

Some people can hear the music, in all kinds of things — others hear only a cacophony of dissonance.

There are only four strings on a violin. With a bow and four strings, a musician can play jazz, hip-hop, rock and every song and every piece of music ever composed from a Mozart concerto to a gypsy melody. The notes are played in a sequence, like genes, though the sequences change at the will of the player. Similarly a chef understands there are basically only four ways to prepare a meal.

All our foods are either served raw or they are boiled, roasted or fried. Poaching, braising, baking and deep fat frying are simply variations of these processes. The same techniques of broiling and frying apply equally to all tender meats and poultry, while all stews follow a similar pattern.

It is only the substitution of one ingredient for another that makes a French Boeuf Bourguignon appear to be an entirely different dish from a Coq au Vin. In fact, the preparation of these two dishes is almost the same.  They are related not only to each other but also to all other stews. The principles of making stews apply to the preparation of many soups, many sauces, and an infinite variety of other dishes. In other words, a soup is a sauce is a stew.

A sauce becomes a spectacular soufflé with the addition of a few egg yolks and a huge gulp of egg whites. The whole thing is then inflated still further by the heat of the oven and the astonished (you can count on it!) admiration of the assembled company.

By this time, you will no doubt be wondering where I’m headed with all this meandering about violin strings and DNA and sauces and stews. I’m just reminding you that some things which seem to be one thing are actually quite another while many things that seem different, are, in fact, almost the same thing.

So, here at last is the point.  The point is “Hi!”

If you pick up the phone and the voice to which you are connected says, “Hi,” you may immediately recognize these two little letters that identify one person out of all the hundreds you’ve met in your lifetime. You know whether this ‘Hi’ is coming from a child, a man or woman, young or old, a native-born American or a visitor from another country.

You know if this person has a cold in the nose, or has just been fired — or won the lottery. A grimly, growly ‘Hi’ strikes the fear this might be someone from the IRS. A bright and bubbly ‘Hi’ could be a prelude to the announcement of an engagement, a pregnancy, an acceptance to the college of first choice or a preface to telling the listener that he’s just received the Nobel Prize for Literature or a nomination for a James Beard Foundation Award.

All these ‘Hi’s’ are recognizable. They portend joy and happiness or misery and desolation. I’ve noticed some people don’t bother to say ‘Hi’ even when you are standing right next to them. Some folk keep on doing what they were doing as though whatever it is they’re doing is way more important than you.

Receptionists in medical offices are good at this sort of rudeness.  So are some ‘restaurant hosts’ who greet guests glacially. Perhaps they have a genetic defect.  They can’t bring themselves to say just say ‘Hi’ or extend a warm welcome that will add to the pleasure of the evening.

My advice is to say ‘Hi’ to everyone, even the grumpy guy in the kitchen.  (There’s always a grumpy guy in the kitchen.) Say “Hi!” It’ll make him feel O.K. (unless he throws a sharp knife in your direction).